Acting was my first love. It was there for me when I was that painfully shy kid in elementary school, it was there for me after I broke up with my first boyfriend, it’s still there for me now as a relatively well-adjusted young adult. Throughout my childhood and majority-of-teenagerdom, I never really had a problem getting cast in the shows I wanted. It sounds terribly jaded of me, but I was one of the few kids in my school that took acting seriously and actually worked to not-suck. However, I find myself in recent months questioning my abilities as an actor. Am I as good as I like to think myself? Am I simply a two-bit character actor? What makes a good actor?
My first semester freshman year at UMass, I was cast in a show. I was the Third Witch in Macbeth. I remember being simply elated. It proved to me I was good, I could act. My acting in shows growing up wasn’t just a case of directors latching onto simply the faintest glimmer, and glimmer alone, of talent. I was good enough to get into a college production. Macbeth turned out to be, quite possibly, one of the best experiences an incoming college freshman could have. I loved everyone in the cast, and it was through the show that I made all of my closest friends.
However, since Macbeth, I haven’t been cast anywhere else. Given, there have only been two shows I’ve auditioned for since then, and I know I can’t be cast in everything, but my worry is still there. Recently, I was called back for a second audition, which any actor will tell you is an awesome thing; it means the director thinks he sees something there. I am not so sure though. I have the faintest suspicion that the only reason I was called back was because the show contained a “creepy” role; Death. I was marvelously creepy in Macbeth. People came up to me afterwards and told me that I honestly scared them. They know I can do creepy. While everyone else was called back for two, three, even four roles, Death was the only one I was called back for. I think I’ve become their go-to girl for creepy. I’ve been reduced to a character actor.
I’m not sure that this should surprise me. I mean, I make certain choices with my appearance that might constitute type-casting. My personality might also lead to this. I’m a regular 19-year-old girl, but I do have an off-beat sense of humour, and I sometimes revel in creeping others out. I know this. I accept this. I had just always thought that my acting abilities spanned a wider range than “that mysterious, creepy, possibly not human” role. Now maybe I think I’m wrong. Maybe creepy is all I can do, and this bothers me.
I want to be an actress. I want to be that lady up on stage that inspires such a reaction out of a crowded room. I want people to laugh when I laugh, to cry when I cry. Am I good enough to inspire such a reaction? Even if I am, I suspect that if I succeed I will become that token famous alternative chick. I’ll be the next Christina Ricci or Fairuza Balk with her tattoos and weird piercings. I think I might have to work on being alright with that, should I ever achieve success.
I did my senior project in high school on acting. I remember my mentor told me something during one of my meetings, something which has always stuck with me. She was working with this kid, an actor, with emotional problems. His emotional problems caused him to be stuck in a rut, acting-wise. It was her job to help him out of it. She told me that you can’t be comfortable as someone else onstage until you’re comfortable with yourself offstage. I still remember that. This might be my problem. I may very well be stuck in this giant Catch-22 cycle. I don’t get cast in anything because I’m not comfortable with my abilities as an actor, and it shows, and since it shows that I’m not comfortable with my abilities as an actor, I don’t get cast.
I’m really not sure what will break this cycle, but I need to find it, or it’s curtains for my acting career (bad pun is bad).
3 comments:
Christopher Walken gets on well enough by just being creepy :-p :-p
That said, acting creepy or scary isn't exactly easy. When most people do it, they just end up looking stupid, like Vin Diesel. Maybe you've been called back only for one role because you're so good at acting that you're the only one that can play creepy well, and it's a challenging role, and they want you for it.
I used to act, do do monologue/solo performance stuff, to do some commercial acting, and I even did some pretty awful stand-up for a year. I have found that with any art-making, what's important to keep track of beyond all the self-flaggelation and self-adoration and ups and downs is why we do it. I used to work with an improvisational group. Each time we performed, before we went on stage and were frazzled and tense and . . . I'd say to one fellow company member, "Why do we do this, again?" and we'd grab each other by the shoulders and shout "BECAUSE WE LIKE IT!" Keep doing it because you like it, keep learning how to do it better because you like or even love it, and you'll be fine. If you stop liking/loving doing it, whatever it may be, then maybe it's time to stop doing it. Maybe not, but maybe.
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